crying statue
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Most days I feel like I’ve got everything. It feels like having the world by the balls.

Then there’s those days when I feel like I’m teetering on the edge. One toe’s over the line.

It’s in those times I feel like I’m suffocating even though I can breathe.

drowning

All the amazing people, all the wonderful things in my life, they’re right in front of my face, but my focus and attention stay affixed in the darkness.

I don’t think about all the cool things I’ve been experiencing, or the new things I’m learning, instead I allow myself to become frustrated by what I don’t know yet and what I’m struggling to comprehend.

I want to always be a positive beacon for the people in my life. I want to always spread good vibes, cheer, and positive energy throughout the universe, but I can’t.

down alley

Maybe it’s from being in my sweats all day. Maybe it’s all the negativity I see on my Facebook, Instagram, and Nextdoor feeds.

I’d like to deny I have any pandemic fatigue. I want to ignore this polarizing election. I want to pretend I can’t see all that smoke on the horizon, and in my face, but I just can’t.

smoke

Lately I hear people saying It’s okay to not be okay. I’m not so sure.

Of all people, I should be happy. I have privilege. I haven’t had to struggle much in my life. But I never seem to stay happy for long.

I want to smile. I like smiling, but a mask hides my smiles. I try to remind myself to smile anyway, but lately a smile feels so unnatural.

masked

Sadness, anger, bitterness, and cynicism don’t serve those around me. They don’t serve me. They definitely don’t serve those I love or care for, yet they hold so much destructive energy.

Happiness, satisfaction, gratitude, and tranquility are the emotions I’d rather give power to.

I know I’m a good person. I do for others. I know I inspire. I’m improving and seeking new ways to do so even more. I should focus on these things instead when I find myself down.

believe

Writing this piece has made me feel better. My child coming over to smile at me and kissing me on the cheek even more so.

A little self-care, like a shower, shave, and trimming my nails, brings me even further upwards.

Maybe it is okay to not be okay, at least for a little while, as long as I don’t lean into to it so much and get back to the okay side of me.

jumping mask


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