Most days I feel like I’ve got everything. It feels like having the world by the balls.
Then there’s those days when I feel like I’m teetering on the edge. One toe’s over the line.
It’s in those times I feel like I’m suffocating even though I can breathe.
All the amazing people, all the wonderful things in my life, they’re right in front of my face, but my focus and attention stay affixed in the darkness.
I don’t think about all the cool things I’ve been experiencing, or the new things I’m learning, instead I allow myself to become frustrated by what I don’t know yet and what I’m struggling to comprehend.
I want to always be a positive beacon for the people in my life. I want to always spread good vibes, cheer, and positive energy throughout the universe, but I can’t.
Maybe it’s from being in my sweats all day. Maybe it’s all the negativity I see on my Facebook, Instagram, and Nextdoor feeds.
I’d like to deny I have any pandemic fatigue. I want to ignore this polarizing election. I want to pretend I can’t see all that smoke on the horizon, and in my face, but I just can’t.
Lately I hear people saying It’s okay to not be okay. I’m not so sure.
Of all people, I should be happy. I have privilege. I haven’t had to struggle much in my life. But I never seem to stay happy for long.
I want to smile. I like smiling, but a mask hides my smiles. I try to remind myself to smile anyway, but lately a smile feels so unnatural.
Sadness, anger, bitterness, and cynicism don’t serve those around me. They don’t serve me. They definitely don’t serve those I love or care for, yet they hold so much destructive energy.
Happiness, satisfaction, gratitude, and tranquility are the emotions I’d rather give power to.
I know I’m a good person. I do for others. I know I inspire. I’m improving and seeking new ways to do so even more. I should focus on these things instead when I find myself down.
Writing this piece has made me feel better. My child coming over to smile at me and kissing me on the cheek even more so.
A little self-care, like a shower, shave, and trimming my nails, brings me even further upwards.
Maybe it is okay to not be okay, at least for a little while, as long as I don’t lean into to it so much and get back to the okay side of me.