Is it okay to take a break for one day, or one week, from this need to produce?
It tells me that if I don’t do this thing which I have arbitrarily told myself for so long makes me:
2. on the path to success,
that I am a failure, a loser, and less-than.
It’s a dilemma.
I cannot dilute or downplay all my past work and all those days of fire,
but sometimes a vacation from being me is all I think I need.
There have been other days, and weeks, that I said I won’t and I can’t, but I still get it done.
I force inspiration into uncertain and compromising positions.
I have my way with the muse.
Creativity isn’t always there.
My brain still vomits.
My pen gets sick as well.
I grab that brain and pen excrement and squeeze it, mush it, mash it. I pound it, polish it, and finally stare at it for a long while longer.
Oftentimes I wonder, Is this a diamond or just some hard, pounded poop?
And it is.
I persevere those days and weeks.
I push through the laziness, the tiredness, the busyness, and come out the other end.
Even though some of it kinda sucks,
and some of it really sucks,
I show up to the game, game.
Even when unready and unwilling, I still play.
I submit my heart and my soul.
I transfer my chaos into something of beauty,
and if it is not that,
still it is something.